My Joke's
by MrsRobVanDam
Summary: On here I will put a Joke everyday. These are dirty Joke's so they will be rated M. Please R&R Thanks :
1. AN Will delete this in one week

a/n Hey Everyone! I'm having problems with my other books at the moment, but will continue them soon don't worry. My book The Cullen's Read Twilight, the next chapter will be up in a couple of weeks, because all my work is on my mother's computer which is at the computer shop getting repaired. Now, this has absultoly nothing to do with Twilight, but it was the only catagory I could find for these. Everyday I will put in a joke. I really hope u like them. Thanks for reading. : )

MrsRobVanDam


	2. My Dearest Wife

**a/n Hope you enjoy this joke.**

**disclaimer: This is nothing to do with Twilight.**

**Joke 1 21/10/10**

**My Dearest Wife**

To my Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbours will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afriad that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we? Love, Your Hubby.

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on you 'shortcomings?'

Love, Your Wife

**a/n I really hope you enjoyed that. Please read and review. Thanks. : )**


	3. Dave's Present

**a/n Here is today's joke. Enjoy : )**

**Joke 2 22/10/10**

**Dave's Present**

Because Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym, his wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Bedweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's Wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows her and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him. The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozie this time, Dave!"

**a/n Hope you all enjoyed that. Please read and review. Thanks : )**


	4. Mother In Law

**a/n Here is the third Joke. Enjoy : )**

**Joke 3 23/10/10**

**Mother In Law**

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling," he repliad, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

**a/n Hope you enjoyed that. Please read and review. Thanks : )**


	5. Lullaby To Give You Nightmares

**a/n Here is Joke 4. Enjoy : )**

**Joke 4 24/10/10**

**Lullaby to give you Nightmares**

Sleep you tight my darlings,

hope sweet dreams are on their way,

and the bed bugs keep at bay,

and you do not have to slay,

any big one's who've mutated to the size of cats and dogs.

Hope the bed bugs don't have talents,

and great teeth to bite your legs,

drain your marrow to the dregs,

but i'm sure they won't attack you if you lie here very still.

I checked the bed for monsters,

there are several underneaf,

and there sharpening their teeth,

after gorging on a carcus of a boy who bothered grown-ups.

He went like a lam to slorter,

all for just one glass of water,

but your safer now,

because there's still a quarter of him left.

Yes I know that your now very tired,

but if you don't go to sleep then I'll get fired,

without a job I can't buy any food, toys or clothes,

so you'll have to go to playschool in the nude.

Ohhh

Dry your tears my love chumps,

how I hate to see you cry,

and I'll tell you now for why,

their's a certain sort of fly,

who will burrow in your eye,

just to drink the salty water from your tear ducts.

Whilst he's had a drink,

he'll lay his eggs inside your bain,

cause excruiating pain,

that's until you go insane,

and he says if you complain,

about bedtime that is at half past four,

he'll poo right in your ear.

Heaven knows I miss you when you sleep,

but the devil knows the company I keep,

while your up here sleeping in your bed,

I'll be downstairs with a weigi board communing with the dead.

Sooo

Close your eyes my preciaus,

bat's can't bite if your asleep,

or if they hear a peep,

about sharing bed mommy,

then they'll rip you limb from limb.

If I don't get to read the paper,

there's a certain ghostly vapour,

who lives underneaf the wardrobe,

says you'll share a bed with him.

**a/n Hope you enjoyed that. Please read and review. Thanks : )**


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